It all began when I fell into an infinite hole in the ground. I fell, fell, fell, and kept falling. I was not afraid at first. It was such a liberating and frightening experience. It was akin to a dream that had no end and continued replaying itself forever and a day. It was strange, that feeling of being asleep but being awake. I kept waking from the dream what I perceived to be millions of times, I would be conscious for perhaps a span of five minutes, and then I would revert back into the dreamlike state that inhibited my senses.

I would have strong moments of clarity which would then be followed by a warm and hazy fog that consumed everything and made my eyelids heavy as it beckoned me with its warm caress. I lost perception of reality, and soon nothing was real. Yet my subconscious, the girl who keeps me sane and proper, would caution me against speaking words I dare not say were I in a lucid state of mind. She warned that I ran the high risk of sounding incredibly stupid, a definite evil that had the potential to harm my pride and reputation.

I heard music and actually felt the music. The beats pulsated through my veins and the melody rocked my body. I was poetry. I saw patterns and colors I could have never imagined with a reasonable mind that seeks rationality. I knew everything, in fact I was everything. More incredibly, I was everywhere! My body was not bound by the laws of physics, I was liberated from myself.

Suddenly, I was greeted with a pure and unconditional love that I knew to be His. It led me all the way to God and I was overjoyed at having found Him numerous times! I finally knew the concept of Heaven, I did not have to rely on religion or hope. I was there, I was in Heaven. It was a limitless infinity of space where colors dominated. Time had no value there, it was reveled to be a man-made concept. Seconds in Heaven became years. Years in Heaven became seconds.

I gazed through the windows of my eyes and saw the exterior world that had become utterly unreal to me, yet my subconscious warned me that it was indeed real. I did not care. Nothing mattered except the euphoria I was feeling. Such a heightened state of awareness made me deeply in love with not only myself, but in love with everyone. I was the Universe, and the Universe was me. There existed a feeling of unity within my body that spread to the world. We realized that individually not one of us has any value, but together we are a force to be reckoned with. We needed to honor each other so that the harmony in our hearts would continue for ages to come.

When I would awaken from the dream, I knew I had only a few minutes before the cycle would commence all over again. I would open my eyes and see the world with such clarity, the colors were so vibrant!

However, if I have learned one thing from Life is that nothing good comes without its bad counterpart. As easily as I found Heaven, I found Hell too. There I was met by Greed, Jealousy, and Doubt. I felt myself spiraling out of control to places and emotions that once haunted my soul… or perhaps they still do, but I finally found them once more, buried in the abyss of my subconscious. The negativity radiating from those emotions instilled within me the desire to cease being, to cease feeling. I was afraid to lose what I have nurtured and cherished the most: control. I became angry at the betrayals I have suffered. I became enraged at the abandonment I have felt. I desperately needed and sought to fight, it was the only outlet I could think of to rid me of my madness. Father, brothers… you left me once, leave me again. I can walk alone down this lonely road.

The night proceeded with these moments of intense exaltation soon followed by burning despondency. I wanted the night to end quickly, I desired an end to my delirium. I needed control, for it engulfs me in its safety. My body could no longer sustain itself. As much as I endeavored to contain my tears, I cried. My heart felt liberated, my mind felt ashamed.

I was no longer a child, yet I was not an adult either. Since then, God has been my constant and truest companion. I am guided by His love for me, always believing that everything, whether good or bad, happens in my life because it is meant to happen. This is the life path that He chose especially for me because, as my creator, He is the only one who knows my strengths and weaknesses. In essence, He knows what I can and cannot carry as a heavy burden that will ultimately teach me a life lesson (as the cliche goes).

However, I must complain. Yes, I am intelligent, relentless, responsible, strong, and any other great adjective that will describe me as being able to carry the weight of the world (and flatter my ego); but why, Oh, God, do you like to challenge me so? I thought I knew who I was, I still think I know who I am. Is this the reason, then, why you place obstacles and persons in my path? Oh, God, can I not just have the easy way out?

Ah, I see. It is because I have shown that I doubt myself. It is because I have shown that I go against the inclination and intuition my heart tells me. I see. It is because I have started to use my mind, the ever reasoning and calculating mind I possess, to plan and carry out plans that are ultimately detrimental to my well being and the relationship between me and my God. To make matters dangerously worse is the fact that I am completely guilty of being aware of the ulterior motives of my actions and still choose to proceed with them. I am starting to suffer, to become mad with the power of all the thoughts that formulate within my head – it is a wonder I do not burst open! However, if I analyze the intentions of the plans I create, I realize that they all, currently, revolve around a single topic: love. The question, dear self, is whether I am amazed by the power of love… or if I am amazed by the love of power. These are deep and strange thoughts indeed.

Oh, God, I feel tricked by you. You gave me a strong concept of self, you gave me awareness, and you gave me morals. These are truly wonderful traits you have bequeathed me with; however, I feel burdened by them. Why can I not be at liberty to plead ignorance and be deliberately bad? Why can I not throw caution to the wind and be without limitations as everyone else seems to be? Why can I not have the “love” that beckons my attention and haunts me whether I live or dream? You need not answer that my God, I know why. I know – and I only know because you blessed me with an attentive mind that knows the value of your gifts to me – the answer to the question. The answer is that you love me too much to let me settle. What I perceive as my first choice, you know very well is in fact only second best – it is not good enough. Everything you do, what I, in my state of childish displeasure, call trickery and negligence, is done and guided by your love for me.

Oh, God. You are the only man who has ever truly loved me with a pure and sacred love. You are my creator and I am your creation. I write this down now so that I may remember these words when I need them most.

A lonely road is not for the weak of heart. Because of your magnanimous nature, I, my God, am strong enough to walk the physical road alone, and the spiritual road beside you. Amen, oh, God.

Been there, done that. Thank you Lord!