I have been to Heaven, I swear it with the entirety of my being.
It all began when I fell into an infinite hole in the ground. I fell, fell, fell, and kept falling. I was not afraid at first. It was such a liberating and frightening experience. It was akin to a dream that had no end and continued replaying itself forever and a day. It was strange, that feeling of being asleep but being awake. I kept waking from the dream what I perceived to be millions of times, I would be conscious for perhaps a span of five minutes, and then I would revert back into the dreamlike state that inhibited my senses.
I would have strong moments of clarity which would then be followed by a warm and hazy fog that consumed everything and made my eyelids heavy as it beckoned me with its warm caress. I lost perception of reality, and soon nothing was real. Yet my subconscious, the girl who keeps me sane and proper, would caution me against speaking words I dare not say were I in a lucid state of mind. She warned that I ran the high risk of sounding incredibly stupid, a definite evil that had the potential to harm my pride and reputation.
I heard music and actually felt the music. The beats pulsated through my veins and the melody rocked my body. I was poetry. I saw patterns and colors I could have never imagined with a reasonable mind that seeks rationality. I knew everything, in fact I was everything. More incredibly, I was everywhere! My body was not bound by the laws of physics, I was liberated from myself.
Suddenly, I was greeted with a pure and unconditional love that I knew to be His. It led me all the way to God and I was overjoyed at having found Him numerous times! I finally knew the concept of Heaven, I did not have to rely on religion or hope. I was there, I was in Heaven. It was a limitless infinity of space where colors dominated. Time had no value there, it was reveled to be a man-made concept. Seconds in Heaven became years. Years in Heaven became seconds.
I gazed through the windows of my eyes and saw the exterior world that had become utterly unreal to me, yet my subconscious warned me that it was indeed real. I did not care. Nothing mattered except the euphoria I was feeling. Such a heightened state of awareness made me deeply in love with not only myself, but in love with everyone. I was the Universe, and the Universe was me. There existed a feeling of unity within my body that spread to the world. We realized that individually not one of us has any value, but together we are a force to be reckoned with. We needed to honor each other so that the harmony in our hearts would continue for ages to come.
When I would awaken from the dream, I knew I had only a few minutes before the cycle would commence all over again. I would open my eyes and see the world with such clarity, the colors were so vibrant!
However, if I have learned one thing from Life is that nothing good comes without its bad counterpart. As easily as I found Heaven, I found Hell too. There I was met by Greed, Jealousy, and Doubt. I felt myself spiraling out of control to places and emotions that once haunted my soul… or perhaps they still do, but I finally found them once more, buried in the abyss of my subconscious. The negativity radiating from those emotions instilled within me the desire to cease being, to cease feeling. I was afraid to lose what I have nurtured and cherished the most: control. I became angry at the betrayals I have suffered. I became enraged at the abandonment I have felt. I desperately needed and sought to fight, it was the only outlet I could think of to rid me of my madness. Father, brothers… you left me once, leave me again. I can walk alone down this lonely road.
The night proceeded with these moments of intense exaltation soon followed by burning despondency. I wanted the night to end quickly, I desired an end to my delirium. I needed control, for it engulfs me in its safety. My body could no longer sustain itself. As much as I endeavored to contain my tears, I cried. My heart felt liberated, my mind felt ashamed.
